THIS IS SATIRE (a message for the dense and thin-skinned)
The Florida State Seminoles are set to kick off against Boston College in less than five hours, but they may be without their Heisman-winning, undefeated quarterback Jameis Winston. There are breaking allegations that an unnamed Harvard University student actually took Winston’s Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) for him in 2011. This was revealed during this morning’s ESPN College GameDay broadcast at Harvard, where a brave student held a sign revealing that he “Took the SAT for Jameis.”
This Harvard student, who wish to remain anonymous, said his involvement in this academic fraud was less than voluntary. “I was approached by representatives from the FSU Athletic Department and, for some peculiar reason, the Tallahassee P.D. and advised that I should take this test for a 5-star recruit from Alabama.” The Harvard student feels a tremendous amount of guilt for his actions, but he also lives in fear. “I don’t want my identity to be revealed. I’m seen the wrath of #FSUTwitter and I sure as hell don’t want to feel it.”
Though the allegations were only revealed about two hours ago, cracker jack reporter Darren Rovell has already confirmed with experts at James Spence Authentications that “there is no way” that Jameis took that SAT himself. “His signature from the SAT form does not match the signature on a jersey purportedly signed by Jameis in the spring of 2014. That’s all the evidence I need.”
Head Coach Jimbo Fisher defended his star signal caller. “This is classic Jameis”, said the coach. “In the first hour and a half, Jameis struggled with easy reads, but when the pressure was on, he had every answer.”
UPDATE: Although the Harvard University student requested anonymity, Darren Rovell has revealed that he is Woodrow Zuckerman, a junior at the school. Rovell plans to reveal Mr. Zuckerman’s class schedule and daily itinerary in his Monday’s investigative piece.